Wasted love

Hello there.

I wasn’t sure if I were going to come to class this evening as it’s been one hell of a week, the worst of my life.

I had to go to Scarborough last Monday to see Don about an insurance policy that I didn’t know existed. It turns out there were a mix up at t’ office.

As I walked in and saw Don’s face, I wondered what on earth had happened. I knew it were bad news as he got out a bottle of brandy from top filing drawer and two glasses which needed a good wipe, but I said nowt.

He told me the payout was for S.E Shuttleworth, which is my name, so now you know. Turns out it were for a Samuel Eric who’s coming up to his 18th birthday.

Samuel is Eric’s love-child.

Eric had been living a double life since 1988 with that Doreen Bradley after her husband got mowed down by a bus for the disabled in town centre.

Don said he knew about the affair and made it clear that he didn’t approve. He couldn’t do anything to make him see sense. He said Eric always loved me and Clint…but he would say that, wouldn’t he?

I feel like my insides have been put through wringer, Eric always said he didn’t want any more kids, even though I was desperate for a little girl. All along, he were planning a family with that cheap Jezebel. And to rub salt into wound, Samuel is his father’s name.

Apparently, just before Eric passed away, he and that woman bought an apartment in Spain where she now lives with her son. That’s why Eric kept popping over on his own, to buy a property for them. He had no intention of me and our Clint moving out there.

I asked Don if Eric were planning to retire with them in Spain but he wouldn’t answer, he just stared at the bottom of his glass. That answered my question more than any words could.

My whole world has fallen apart, I did everything for that man. I never thought he would be the one to hurt me like this.

I went to see Lil at the home and as soon as she saw my face, she knew. She said she had suspected for some time but hoped she were wrong. She said sometimes folk lose their way while trying to protect those they love. She’s fading into her own sunset but still has her marbles.

But it doesn’t wash with me. Eric was a selfish man who wanted it all and what really gets my goat is that he never showed much affection towards our Clint, he was probably too busy playing footie with his other son. If he were still alive, I’d kill him for what he’s done to our family.

I told Clint what had happened and he locked himself in his room and blasted out his Slade records. I usually tell him off for that as Noddy’s voice grates on me but I let it go on this occasion.

I’ve tried to think of all the signs and, if I’m honest, I had my suspicions that Eric were up to no good but nothing like this. I still can’t believe he was capable of such deception.

He would always disappear each Christmas day, and one time Clint was walking back from garage shop (he likes those pepperoni sticks), and saw Eric in t’ phone box, he said he were leaning on door and crying. I said he had probably decided to call his Aunt Lil and got emotional, but I thought it were odd at time as we have two phones in the flat.

I don’t understand what he saw in that Doreen, she were lathered in make up and had a hump on her back. There were nowt about her that I could see.

When I think back to the times I visited him in Scarborough, he must have been with her. I never met the kiddie as Eric stopped me from visiting. He said it would be a wasted journey if he had to go off on an emergency call.

He were a bloody insurance rep not a fireman.

But I did as I were told and let him get on with his work. I feel I’ve lost him all over again, he were the love of my life but I wasn’t his.

We used to sit at home and play records in t’ evening. We’d snuggle up on settee while he’d kick off his slippers and put his feet up on pouffe. He’d kiss the top of my head and say ‘You think life is the way Frank Sinatra sings’, that always made me laugh. I thought no man could ever love me the way my Eric did.

You see, I gave my life to him, that were my mistake. I never kept anything back for myself. It took me a few years to get on with things after he died. And the hospital shop were the saving of me, that and my darling son.

Molly Chadwick once said to me ‘You can’t turn back the clock but you can wind it up again’. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it all over again.

I haven’t been back to Eric’s grave as yet. I normally go of a Sunday before I visit Lil at the home. His tombstone has the inscription ‘A heart that loves is always young’. He’d written that inside the first Valentine card he ever sent me. I feel like going up there with a can of spray paint and spraying ‘Liar!’ all over it.

I stayed with Joyce last Friday night as Mandy was over at ours and I couldn’t face her mithering. We had a long chat into the night and got a bit tipsy as we listened to Andy Williams and mulled over our pasts.

I know Joyce still loves her Ted but you’ll not get her to admit it. She’s much stronger than me. I’m all front, she’s probably the only one who really knows that.

After a few glasses of Asti, we had a dance in her front room but she kept trying to lead. We must have looked a right pair of gobbins.

Joyce said I should see her neighbour the counsellor. I don’t see point, I can only feel what I’m going to feel, she can’t change that. Besides, I don’t want to discuss my private life with a stranger in a jumpsuit.

Clint bought me roses to cheer me up, he’s such a thoughtful lad and clearly doesn’t take after his dad. I need to concentrate on him as he doesn’t talk about his feelings and bottles them up which brings on his hives.

He wants to go over to Spain and have it out with that tart but I said that won’t achieve anything right now and I don’t want him arguing with the young lad, it’s not his fault.

Clint used to get picked on quite a bit a school and Eric once said that he fights like he hasn’t got a brother - only he does have one. How could he be so cruel? But I’ll bide my time and then Doreen had better watch out. I’ll flatten that bloody hump of hers, so help me.

Thank you for listening, I’m not sure who’s out there but it helps to write it down. Clint just sent me a text, he’s outside with Argos Alan and they’re taking me to Gold Rush club. I have to face folk sooner or later but I just want to hide away and never be found.

I’ll leave you with a video of a song that Eric used to play when he was on t’ road, he said it reminded him of me. He’s gone and spoilt everything now, including my memories. They were all I had left of us.

Oh heck, whatever am I going to do?

Joyce will be with you next time. She covered my shifts all last week. Annabel came in to help and colour co-ordinated all the sweets.

Joyce reckons she must have that impulsive disorder.

Speak again soon.

Cheerio for now. Love from Sylvie xx